What Do You Tell A Gay Man Who Is Afraid to Come Out of the Closet?

From time to time I receive requests for advice from gay men who are in the closet and struggling to either come out and rebuild a new life or who sometimes simply want a sympathetic ear.  Sometimes the requests come by e-mail, sometimes by telephone calls to me at the office and, on a few occasions, in person meetings.  The later always arise from a call seeking an appointment to discuss "a confidential matter."  Coming out is hard - perhaps the hardest thing one can do after years of being married to a woman and having children.  I experienced that road all too well.  But there is life after coming out even if it doesn't fall into place as quickly as we would want.  

Recently, I received a call from a man in a somewhat confounding situation.  He lives in a moderate sized city in the Bible Belt, is gay, is separated from his wife of many years but not divorced, is afraid to come out because of fears of what it would do to his career (which given the city he is in is likely a valid fear), yet he wants to find someone for a committed relationship who is like him in the closet.  He asked me for advise on how to find that special someone.  Frankly, I am at a loss as to what to tell him.  By not coming out, to my view, the opportunities of meeting someone are limited.  Craigslist or Adam4Adam, etc., are not exactly sites for finding a long term committed relationship. I'd love to receive readers' thoughts on this issue.

For those not living in a Bible Belt city, an advice column in the Washington Post had the advice I would more typically tell someone coming out.  Here is the column:

Q. Carolyn, my spouse told me earlier this week that they want a divorce. I had a gay affair, and they found out in November. I thought we might make it, and I was pushing for us to work past this, but it looks like that's not going to happen. We both love each other, but I guess emotional love isn't enough. The thing is -- I don't even know where to start. I can't tell my family. I don't want to come out. I feel like a failure. No one in my family is divorced. Is there a step-by-step guide to this? Where do I live? What do I tell people? How do I navigate? (we have no kids, and we've already agreed to split everything 50/50, so this will be painful but not spiteful. I just don't know what to DO and I feel paralyzed.)

A. Carolyn Hax :

I can't tell my family.

Yes, you can, and have to. The bulk of your problem(s) right now trace right back to this truth: Who you are and the life you're living are not in harmony. You are one person and trying to live as another. Until you resolve this fundamental dissonance, you will remain at a loss for what to do next. Where you start is to accept who you are, then you decide how you want to live (from among the options available to you, I should say, since the option of preserving the illusion of your marriage is now off the table).

I don't want to come out.

See above.

I feel like a failure.

You are not a failure; your marriage has failed. Big difference. This will go a whole lot better if you resist the urge to see cosmic meaning in earthly things. When it all feels overwhelming, take each piece and deal with it as pragmatically as you can. Make lists, for example: 1. Find place to live. 2. Schedule the move. 3. Notify people on need-to-know basis. Etc.

 

No one in my family is divorced.

Hey, somebody had to be first! Flippant as hell, but you know what? You go with it. It's the only option that won't make you nuts.

Is there a step-by-step guide to this?

No, but ... well, there probably is a guide in a blog somewhere, so I'll leave that to Google. But right now what you probably need more than anything is a safe place to sort out all of your feelings in this. A good, reputable therapist is an investment in your future, at this point, one I suggest you make. (Don't be afraid to shop around.)

Where do I live?

Not for me to say, but, if you're really unsure, look for something short term while you regain your emotional footing.

What do I tell people?

"[Wife] and I are separating. I'd rather not get into details right now, thanks."

How do I navigate?

With confidence that you will be okay, and that any seismic shifts will be scary but also necessary and, for that reason, ultimately to your benefit. Hang in there.

I have found that often our own fears and the fear of what others will think are our biggest obstacles. We cannot let them paralyze us and keep us trapped.