Ten years ago today I moved out of the family home in Virginia Beach and into an apartment in the Ghent area of Norfolk in response to an ultimatum that I either go back in the closet and pretend nothing had happened or get out. At the time, I saw my options to be (1) end my own life, most likely through a surfing "accident," or (2) try to find some sort of self-acceptance and comfort with myself as a gay man. I decided to opt for the second alternative and moved to a sparsely furnished apartment and into a world where I knew virtually no one since despite my many past civic, political and community actives I became largely invisible to my former "friends." Even more hurtful, some of these "friends" dragged my name through the mud and waves of gossip because of my "life style" choice.
On the day I made the move, I experienced a mixture of anticipation and terror. Anticipation that I might eventually actually find some kind of self-acceptance that had eluded me most of my life since realizing as a 12 year old that I was "different." That I was attracted to other guys that were "my type" - something unthinkable to someone raised in the truly f*cked up Catholic Church. The terror came from the fact that most of the entire social world I had known was vaporized in a flash. In its place was a black emptiness and an unknown future. The only positive was that the weekend before the move I had come out to my parents who thankfully, did not reject me and made it clear that they would stand by me no matter what. For this love and support I established the Hamar/HRBOR scholarship in their honor (a link is on the right side of this blog).
The ensuing decade since that August day in 2002 has been a time of great happiness on occasion. It has also been a period of time that has contained much pain and unhappiness. There were days where my depression was so severe I even called in to work because I could not get out of bed. Indeed, twice the pain became so bad that I opted to end my life. Once via a bottle of Xanax and the other via alcohol and carbon monoxide. Obviously, since I am writing this post these attempts failed. Do I regret failing? Actually, I'm not sure even today.
On the positive side of things, I have a wonderful loving and caring man in my life who loves me for reasons I candidly will never understand. I tell him that he must have suffered severe head trauma. It's a standing joke, but I truly don't know what he sees in me. I also have a good relationship with my youngest child. And I feel that I have done some positive things for the local LGBT community through founding HRBOR, my activities in Hampton Roads Pride and the EV Legends effort, and my VEER column.
On the negative side, my legal career has been largely destroyed. As an openly gay man, I am radioactive in the eyes of all of the larger local firms. And since few firms in this area have national clients, moving away from Hampton Roads with a portable client base proved impossible. I started my own firm largely because I had no other choice. Adding to the financial disaster was the anti-gay bigotry and bias I experienced among members of the Virginia judiciary. One judge even stated in writing that being gay was a choice and, therefore, I needed to be punished for my choice. Welcome to Virginia! Another negative is that some of the family wounds that developed in the divorce may never fully heal.
Getting back to the title of this post. Did I make the right decision? I candidly don't know at times. It has been an extremely hard ten years and has included some of the most painful experiences of my life time. Along the way I've been asked if being gay ruined my life. My answer is a resounding "No." There is nothing inherently wrong with being gay and the difficulties gays experience isn't because of their sexual orientation. No, the evil comes from homophobia and the hate and intolerance preached by those who cling to ignorance and mythical Bible passages - often as a means of enriching themselves or dealing with their own f8cked up psyches.
As for the option I did not pursue a decade ago, it still exists. And strangely, I take comfort in that knowledge.
As for the option I did not pursue a decade ago, it still exists. And strangely, I take comfort in that knowledge.
6 comments:
Hi Michael - thanks for sharing your thoughts. I found them to be very heartfelt and I feel honoured that you would share them. The funny thing about life is that none of us are really going to know, until the very end, whether we made the right decisions or not. And, that being the end, it's too late to change them. Living in Canada, I can't even fathom the hatred and poison that you must encounter each and every day. I am a gay father too. Came out to myself at 48 (after hiding my true self since realizing my attraction to my gender at age 12 too). Except for my mother, I have only received love and respect from everyone. It is comforting to know that you have a good relationship with your child and that you have a great man in your life. I would never presume to tell you how to live your life or judge you on wanting to end it but I am glad that you did not succeed in killing yourself because your blog presence and the work you've done in the community is very important to many of us (even if only from a distance = you are inspirational). And, I enjoy your daily male beauty posts. Hugs and love from another Mike on the other side of the continent!
Mike,
Thanks for your kind words. And thanks for reading the blog.
I note that you are from Vancouver Island - my son and I visited back some years ago and love BC and Canada. If I could, I'd move there in a heart beat.
Michael, My tenth anniversary of coming out and leaving my family at age 48 is coming up in January. You and your blog helped me get through the darker days of the process. Today I am happily partnered, my kids, my folks, and relatives have all come around on their thinking. Yes, I lost some friends, but that happens in most divorces. Years ago, I wrote you about the progress one can make by taking "baby steps". Ten years later, look back and see how far forward you have come! Life isn't always easy, but this is the main event, not a dress rehearsal. Thanks for all you do in bringing sanity and hope to this strange world!
Hi, Michael,
I would like to thank you for this post. Just over 5 years ago my entire life was upended, not because I was gay, but because I was accused of being something far worse, even in most Virginians' eyes. In any case, many of the same thoughts ran through my head. A couple of years after that, I started reading gay blogs of people from their teens through adulthood, and concentrated on the coming out stories. Other blogs like yours showed me that there is life after coming out, even if it could be rocky at times (but what life isn't bumpy here and there?). Shortly thereafter, I decided that the closet wasn't for me any more, and started the process of coming out. It's still a process, but seeing guys like you, with a loving partner (and like JustAMike, whose blog I also read), gives me hope that even at 54 years old, there's a chance for me, too. I'm glad you're here, trying to keep us all sane by pointing out the insanity in this world - especially with the political aspects of our "lifestyle choice" HAHAHAHAHA! Amazing how ignorant some people can be, eh?
Peace <3
Jay
Michael - yes, I am blessed to live here. We'd take you in a heartbeat!
Jay,
You can definitely find what you are looking for - and as was the case with the boyfriend, it happens when you're least looking for it/him.
I'm 60, and in may ways age IS just a number. Hang in there.
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