I was talking by telephone with a friend and fellow gay blogger from a mid-western state yesterday who is roughly my age. We have talked a number of times and he’s checked on me at times during my divorce wars when he was worried about how I was holding up. He and his wife are finally moving towards a divorce after three years of living in the same house in an armed truce status. He was headed to a meeting at the attorney’s office to move the divorce process forward and not surprisingly, his emotions were all over the place: part excitement, part sadness, part fear, etc. A couple of remarks he made struck home with me in particular. Namely his feelings for his soon to be ex-wife and the hurt she was feeling, not to mention her comment that she guessed she’d grow old alone.
I think the hardest thing to convey to the straight spouse in a couple that is headed to divorce after many years of marriage is that you, the gay spouse, never intended to hurt them and do in fact feel great remorse for the pain you have caused them. In fact, you do want your straight spouse to be happy and wish you could spare them pain. Now that my own divorce is behind me, I can honestly say that once again I hope my former wife finds happiness. She is not a bad person and, while she had some nasty anti-gay advisors and perhaps lashed out at me out of fear about her future, I never, ever meant to hurt her. Hopefully, someday she will understand that.
Perhaps from the straight spouse’s perspective, the gay spouse’s staying in the closet, getting married, having children and struggling to live a straight life is viewed as a selfish act. But this friend, like me, did not know what else to do. It’s not as if either he or I set out to maliciously deceive and hurt our wives. The fear of family rejection, societal scorn, and risk of losing one’s job can simply be an overpowering motivation to try to be what everyone expects and wants. In addition - and also like me - he had his religious beliefs pushing him to think that he could somehow make the same sex attractions and emotional draw toward other guys go away. Obviously, it was and is an exercise in futility, but neither of us knew that at the time we began down the closeted paths we followed.
It took my therapist a long time to beat it into my head that it was not my fault that I was gay or that I eventually could not continue the pretense of being someone/something I was not. I hope my friend – and others going through the coming out process later in life after years of marriage can take that message to heart. It is no one’s fault. Each of us merely did what we thought was required/best based on the circumstances in which we found ourselves. We did nothing wrong.
I think the hardest thing to convey to the straight spouse in a couple that is headed to divorce after many years of marriage is that you, the gay spouse, never intended to hurt them and do in fact feel great remorse for the pain you have caused them. In fact, you do want your straight spouse to be happy and wish you could spare them pain. Now that my own divorce is behind me, I can honestly say that once again I hope my former wife finds happiness. She is not a bad person and, while she had some nasty anti-gay advisors and perhaps lashed out at me out of fear about her future, I never, ever meant to hurt her. Hopefully, someday she will understand that.
Perhaps from the straight spouse’s perspective, the gay spouse’s staying in the closet, getting married, having children and struggling to live a straight life is viewed as a selfish act. But this friend, like me, did not know what else to do. It’s not as if either he or I set out to maliciously deceive and hurt our wives. The fear of family rejection, societal scorn, and risk of losing one’s job can simply be an overpowering motivation to try to be what everyone expects and wants. In addition - and also like me - he had his religious beliefs pushing him to think that he could somehow make the same sex attractions and emotional draw toward other guys go away. Obviously, it was and is an exercise in futility, but neither of us knew that at the time we began down the closeted paths we followed.
It took my therapist a long time to beat it into my head that it was not my fault that I was gay or that I eventually could not continue the pretense of being someone/something I was not. I hope my friend – and others going through the coming out process later in life after years of marriage can take that message to heart. It is no one’s fault. Each of us merely did what we thought was required/best based on the circumstances in which we found ourselves. We did nothing wrong.
2 comments:
It is good to see you say that you wish the best for your ex-wife. I know the divorce process was painful, but you have come a long way in a fairly short time since the divorce was final. You seem to be less bitter than you were. I'm very glad you can be there for your friend who is going through the same nastiness. You've got a good perspective on this.
Michael, it's important to also acknowledge the fact that although something was lacking in the relationship, there was a loyalty, dedication and a loving relationship that was built upon. Ultimately, it was not truly fulfilling, but still you must admit that there was a love -- it just wasn't the kind that would keep the marriage together. Too many people seem to think the entire purpose was to deliberately hide. It might be for some, but for others, it is part of the searching oneself out to find out what you need in your lifelong relationship. It is important to realize and acknowledge this because if not, then truly the intent was to use the spouse for a selfish purpose. In short-lived relationships, it is probably the case, but when the relationship lasts for as many years as yours did and produces three wonderfully well adjusted children, it can only be the result of a loving relationship. I might be naive or a bit jaded, but, there are good people who can love both men and women. Ultimately, in some cases, one desire wins over the other. I'm glad you acknowledge the loving relationship -- and the hurt that occurred on both sides. It really speaks volumes for the kind of man you are. Warm, tender, rational, and caring, not to mention very nice to look at.
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