Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Fear of Commitment

In reaction to my depressed post during the wee hours over the weekend, I received a number of e-mails and comments. One e-mail indicated that the writer had no desire to be in a relationship ever again since he did not want to set himself up to be hurt again should the relationship end or his partner die before him. Another friend expressed a different reason for his inability to allow himself to become truly close with others: being still locked in the long pattern of never fully investing himself or getting truly close to others due to his many years living in the closet before coming out, especially during many years in the military. Yet another friend tragically lost his parents simultaneously at a relatively young age and then suffered the loss of his twin brother a little more than 10 years later. He resolved that he’d never get totally close emotionally to anyone ever again, thus excluding the possibility of a committed relationship, since he could not bear the thought of once again experiencing the pain of loss. These lines of reasoning can be described as reactions to fear – fear of being hurt or fear of discovered. To me, neither is a good way to live one’s life. This type of existence leaves the individuals isolated and, in my opinion, unfulfilled.

I will freely admit that I am a relationship oriented person. Being fully invested in a relationship DOES involve the potential risk of being hurt. But the rewards can be so amazing. I will admit that during my marriage I kept a “glass wall” between my former wife and me, yet that does not mean I did not love her or that I did not enjoy an emotional intimacy with her. Yes, it was not as complete and fulfilling as it would have been had I been straight and not living in self-denial (and self-loathing) in the closet. Nonetheless there were many rewards, hopefully for both of us. Likewise, in the relationship with my former boyfriend, there were amazing emotional and spiritual rewards. When the relationship ended, it was devastating, but at least I had experienced the wonder that only such commitment can provided.

The reality is that there is risk in virtually every aspect of life. However, as the saying goes, it is better to have loved and lost than to have never have loved at all. To experience the joy and wonder of true intimacy to me is well worth the risk of being hurt. Particularly, if the other option is to remain remote and empty, albeit safe from ever being hurt.

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