It may seem crazy, but learning of Heath Ledger’s possible suicide has left me feeling rather shaken. I’m not sure why exactly – perhaps because it has brought thoughts of my own near successful deliberate drug over dose flooding back over me. The thoughts of futility, hopelessness and the feeling of mental, spiritual and physical exhaustion that I experienced at that time have been put behind me, at least for the most part, so that I am in a much different place than I was on that afternoon. Yet, I still can feel the comforting sense of drifting off into a black weightlessness of sorts, with no awareness of what was going on around me as the ER personnel worked on me to bring me back. Thinking about it scares me now. Really scares me. But I cannot help but imagine what Ledger might have felt as he drifted off, if indeed he deliberately over dosed. It is so very sad that no one was there to save him in time. I was lucky.
My sense of sadness perhaps also arises from thoughts of three former friends who committed suicide, plus my former b/f, RH’s, brother who took his own life. The two friends from my teen years took this route I believe because they never seemed to overcome the horror of their experiences in Vietnam. I guess they just wanted the horrors to stop and did not know what else to do. Another friend killed himself because he could not accept being gay or reconcile it with his religious background. All of them were overcome with a sense of hopelessness and, no doubt loneliness.
I know that at least a couple of my readers have felt themselves close to this level of hopelessness at times (you know who you are). I sincerely hope that they will fight the urge to just surrender. As my therapist stressed over and over to me, what appears bleak and beyond bearable can change overnight. Also, none of us knows what role we may have yet to play in the world or the lives of others – how tragic if one were to exit before their time. Clearly, at the time of my suicide attempt I was not thinking this. But in retrospect, it makes me think of the lyrics from one of Jackson Browne’s 1974 songs: “And somewhere between the time you arrive and the time you go may lie a reason you were alive, but you’ll never know.” Please hang in there my friends.
My sense of sadness perhaps also arises from thoughts of three former friends who committed suicide, plus my former b/f, RH’s, brother who took his own life. The two friends from my teen years took this route I believe because they never seemed to overcome the horror of their experiences in Vietnam. I guess they just wanted the horrors to stop and did not know what else to do. Another friend killed himself because he could not accept being gay or reconcile it with his religious background. All of them were overcome with a sense of hopelessness and, no doubt loneliness.
I know that at least a couple of my readers have felt themselves close to this level of hopelessness at times (you know who you are). I sincerely hope that they will fight the urge to just surrender. As my therapist stressed over and over to me, what appears bleak and beyond bearable can change overnight. Also, none of us knows what role we may have yet to play in the world or the lives of others – how tragic if one were to exit before their time. Clearly, at the time of my suicide attempt I was not thinking this. But in retrospect, it makes me think of the lyrics from one of Jackson Browne’s 1974 songs: “And somewhere between the time you arrive and the time you go may lie a reason you were alive, but you’ll never know.” Please hang in there my friends.
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